Friday, 15 August 2008

When One Has Broken The News

So, what happened since our first year anniversary? (Yes, t'was our anniv last 08/11/08). We'll the anniv day post itself is still on the making while let me tell you about the happenings on the days after that.

Monday. 08/11/08. Anniv. Let's skip on that day. You could see the story on my other post.

...Thank you, google, for providing me this pic...

Tuesday. 08/12/08. He went to an interview that had offered him a chance to go abroad. While he was there in the office waiting for his interview, I was very positive that he'll be accepted as I know my beau's very brilliant. So, right after lunch (as I reckon), he called me up from his mobile phone and informed me that he has been accepted for Dubai! Yay!!! Ü But as much as I was so happy for him, I felt like there was a bucket of cold water showered on me. Like there was an open faucet on my eyes and tears kept on pouring, yes, pouring down my face. Surprisingly for me, they were rolling on my face very rapidly. I noticed that I didn't have to shut my eyes close just to bring those tears out of my eyes. They were there, dripping unstoppably one by one. As if they were speaking for myself. As if it was my heart on my face. My eyes and my tears were showing right there and then the pain that I didn't even know existed. Maybe because I have finally felt the reality of us parting. That for more than a year that we have always been together, we would have to stay apart to have a fuller life eventually. While he was talking, I was trying to hide my shaky voice. Was I trying to put on a face? I don't know. All I know was I should not let him see a lot of pain from me as I want him to soar high. Inside me I know there were no second thoughts for me to stop or refrain him from going. Ever since day one that he has opened up to me his thoughts/intention of going abroad, I was all out support for a my beau. But when I have heard that he really is really going abroad now, somehow, I felt human. And it felt complicated. I felt pain along with joy. I was in tears while I was trying to smile. I was trying to swallow to place my shaky voice somewhere he couldn't notice or hear. I was just thankful that time as he has broken the news on the phone. I was far away from him and all he had seen (or heard rather) was just a part of me. As I know, somehow, had he seen me in person, in tears, it might break his heart as well.

For about five minutes of conversation, even if my heart was happy for the opportunity that fate has brought to us, I looked in the mirror and saw my nose had turned red, my eyes puffed from the bucket of tears that escaped from my eyes, and my face wet by them too. After the burst of feelings and emotions, I was able to compose myself. All without too much of a hint from my beau (or so I think). His words of consolation right at that phone conversation and even the things I have agreed with myself long time ago were all a balm to my heart. We hung up the phone, met at the messenger and ate at Amaretto after office work. Amaretto. One of the places I will so much miss for we have dined a couple of times there. Everytime I'd pass by and I would look through the window, seeing people dining, I will remember him. I'll remember us and all the parmesan cheeses that we shook on our pasta. I'll remember the fries and if he's going to sprinkle some salt or not on it. I'll remember the anticipation we both have for the next new pasta we'll order. Yes. I shall remember everything. And with vividness on each and every memory that's in it.

So far. Since the breaking news, (no, not heart-breaking news. Just news that has been laid down), I've been emotionally strong ever since. I have been happy, pushy in fact, with the thought of him leaving. We're both looking at the positive. Seeing that our plans and our dreams coming true. With us going somewhere abroad not for work but for leisure. With our son being able to go to a decent school. With him having his own business when he gets back here. With him being able to do daddy stuffs and be a hands-on pop. There were sometimes bursts of what-ifs and what-would-have-beens, the times when there were those obnoxious tears trying to creep out again, but I shove them right even before they surface. From that point on that he has laid down the news, I've swallowed the fact that that is what it should be ever since. I let him go... let him leave... as I know it's also me letting him live.


Ner said...

awww... so touching. i love your last line: I let him go... let him leave... as I know it's also me letting him live.

i really feel your sadness and your strength here. how long will he be away? God bless to you and your family. :)

Paper Tilapia said...

@ ner: sis, nakakarelate ka ba sa last line ko? parang na-realise ko na yung last line ko, pwede rin sa mga nagbre-break-up :D hehe.

he'll be away for 2 years lang (lang?!?! Ü). thanks for the blessing. :P